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Another post about me crying. 

I'm a firm believer that the lord answers our prayers. But sometimes he has to tell us what to pray for. 

Recently I've been praying for guidance, direction, and clarification. I would like to say it's all based around what is to come and my future, that daunting term. But actually my heart has been praying for these things since I lost my grandfather. 20 years with the man and no one warned me not to fall in love with him because he wouldn't be there to tell me happy birthday when I turned 21, and he won't be there when I graduate from college. Some days I feel like I was set up for heart break because he was just too good not to love. So I've been praying a lot of "why?" and "it's not fair."

In these last eight months I've lied to people several times telling them I was doing great and excited about everything. I've been preaching a love of God I struggle to accept. I've blamed busyness for my distance from the cross but it's really reluctance. I've been in a world of hurt and anger but to hesitant to share it. So I've been praying for guidance out of this darkness. I've been praying for direction for the pain in my chest to be turned to good. I've been asking for clarification because I still don't understand.

Today I realized these prayers were being answered. Last night the word "peace" stopped me from falling asleep. It played over in a loop like an Instagram video of calligraphy. Peace. So I said out loud to my dark room "Lord, just give me peace."

Today I got peace. Today I ate breakfast in bed. I wrote love letters to friends. I sat in my favorite coffee shop. I listened to good music. I napped in a hammock. I read Hannah Brencher's book and it got me thinking like it always does. This day was my peace. This day was filled with the simple things my heart clings to. 

And as I sat eating frozen grapes reading, "I'd never heard the word before, but it was her favorite word, and I was instantly enamored because the definition of agape is loving a person for exactly who they are - not who we hope they'll become with enough fixing." I had my million and oneth 'aha' moment. I was praying for action and movement. The Lord wanted me to pray for peace. He wanted me to find peace in my broken heart. He wanted me to find peace in the loss. He doesn't want to hand me a road map to get out of struggle, he wants me to be okay with being in the unknown. I tell people often "you are so loved by God just the way you are." A sentence I need to believe in. Jesus isn't looking to love of version of me who's heart isn't shattered. He isn't waiting to call me his child until I know what I'm doing with my life a year from now. Jesus wants me here and now exactly as I am. 

So no, I'm not healed from heart break. I still don't understand why I don't get another Pat Smith phone call. I'm still going to cry on the Lamar bridge driving to and from Rockport next weekend (and every time after that). I am no where near "okay." But I am a little less angry. I am a little bit closer to calling my mom on the phone just to cry. I am a little bit closer to peace. I am a little bit closer to God than I was last night. I am where I am and I'm working to find the good in that. 

Always Where I Should Be(?),

Katie Ann

All Saints Day 2015

Words I wish I had shared at my grandfather’s memorial

All Saints’ Day is a time to rejoice in all who through the ages have faithfully served the Lord. The day reminds us that we are part of one continuing, living communion of saints. It is a time to claim our kinship with the “glorious company of apostles … the noble fellowship of prophets … the white-robed army of martyrs” (Te Deum). It is a time to express our gratitude for all who in ages of darkness kept the faith, for those who have take the gospel to the ends of the earth, for prophetic voices who have called the church to be faithful in life and service, for all who have witnessed to God’s justice and peace in every nation.

Pat Smith had many titles. Coach Smith, Principal, Mister, Sir, Father. However, I believe his favorite was Grandpa.

I was lucky enough to be one of four grandchildren of Pat Smith. I was even luckier to be one of two granddaughters. People remember the eagerness of football in this town by the image of my grandpa sitting in his car while my brother and cousin William practiced football. It is easy to remember him cheering us on at academic achievements and milestones. All these qualities made him a wonderful grandfather. However, I remember him sitting for three hours at my dance shows only to see me on stage for a total of 15 minutes. I never had to doubt if he was in the crowd at a one act play competition even if he had seen the show four times before. He never discouraged Sarah and I from keeping up with the boys, or holding our own. He never had to second-guess being there for his grandchildren. These things make him a wonderful grandpa.

Many of you will nod your head and agree. He had all these wonderful qualities. He was a wonderful human being. Many of you can recall wonderful moments and actions that add to his character. If you told me Pat Smith saved your life, I would believe you without a doubt. The wonderful thing about Grandpa is he treated everyone with kindness and respect first. If you were having a conversation with him, he made you feel like you were the most important person in the world. To him you were.

That is what makes him so wonderful in my eyes. He had this heart for people. He shared himself with everyone, but I cannot recall one moment in my life where I did not feel like the most important person in his world. His memorial had standing room only. He was a part of so many people’s lives, yet I felt like the only one. I only hope that one day I can make people feel as half as special as he did.

As some can recall, our family walked in first to the church. We took our seats and filled up two pews. Behind us, followed people that are not related family but are more than just friends. My grandparents have built this community around us of people who support and love us like we do share blood. There is not a day that passes by that I think it would just be easier to tell people we were related to The Little Family. I grew up with this idea that family was the most important, but family did not have to be defined by your last name.

My grandpa may not be with us here physically but he has done a damn good job of making sure we have a strong support system to help keep us going. He also left enough of his spirit in each member of this extended family, past students and athletes to make sure I never forget what grace looks like in the world.

If he were at his memorial service, I know three things to be true, 1) he would be crying. He was a big softy and we all know it. 2) He would be in a suit, the man loved his holy shirts and ratty jeans but important events called for a tie and 3) he would be shaking his head mumbling that the service was unnecessary because he is the most humble human I know.

Pat Smith had a lot of titles, a lot of wonderful qualities, and lot of joy to share with this world. I am unimaginably grateful for the chance to be his granddaughter and be a witness to his love on Earth.

Thank you all for loving Pat Smith, our saint, with me.

Always missing you,

Katie Ann