Another post about me crying.
I'm a firm believer that the lord answers our prayers. But sometimes he has to tell us what to pray for.
Recently I've been praying for guidance, direction, and clarification. I would like to say it's all based around what is to come and my future, that daunting term. But actually my heart has been praying for these things since I lost my grandfather. 20 years with the man and no one warned me not to fall in love with him because he wouldn't be there to tell me happy birthday when I turned 21, and he won't be there when I graduate from college. Some days I feel like I was set up for heart break because he was just too good not to love. So I've been praying a lot of "why?" and "it's not fair."
In these last eight months I've lied to people several times telling them I was doing great and excited about everything. I've been preaching a love of God I struggle to accept. I've blamed busyness for my distance from the cross but it's really reluctance. I've been in a world of hurt and anger but to hesitant to share it. So I've been praying for guidance out of this darkness. I've been praying for direction for the pain in my chest to be turned to good. I've been asking for clarification because I still don't understand.
Today I realized these prayers were being answered. Last night the word "peace" stopped me from falling asleep. It played over in a loop like an Instagram video of calligraphy. Peace. So I said out loud to my dark room "Lord, just give me peace."
Today I got peace. Today I ate breakfast in bed. I wrote love letters to friends. I sat in my favorite coffee shop. I listened to good music. I napped in a hammock. I read Hannah Brencher's book and it got me thinking like it always does. This day was my peace. This day was filled with the simple things my heart clings to.
And as I sat eating frozen grapes reading, "I'd never heard the word before, but it was her favorite word, and I was instantly enamored because the definition of agape is loving a person for exactly who they are - not who we hope they'll become with enough fixing." I had my million and oneth 'aha' moment. I was praying for action and movement. The Lord wanted me to pray for peace. He wanted me to find peace in my broken heart. He wanted me to find peace in the loss. He doesn't want to hand me a road map to get out of struggle, he wants me to be okay with being in the unknown. I tell people often "you are so loved by God just the way you are." A sentence I need to believe in. Jesus isn't looking to love of version of me who's heart isn't shattered. He isn't waiting to call me his child until I know what I'm doing with my life a year from now. Jesus wants me here and now exactly as I am.
So no, I'm not healed from heart break. I still don't understand why I don't get another Pat Smith phone call. I'm still going to cry on the Lamar bridge driving to and from Rockport next weekend (and every time after that). I am no where near "okay." But I am a little less angry. I am a little bit closer to calling my mom on the phone just to cry. I am a little bit closer to peace. I am a little bit closer to God than I was last night. I am where I am and I'm working to find the good in that.
So no, I'm not healed from heart break. I still don't understand why I don't get another Pat Smith phone call. I'm still going to cry on the Lamar bridge driving to and from Rockport next weekend (and every time after that). I am no where near "okay." But I am a little less angry. I am a little bit closer to calling my mom on the phone just to cry. I am a little bit closer to peace. I am a little bit closer to God than I was last night. I am where I am and I'm working to find the good in that.
