It just got real.
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I am four days a way from starting my senior year in college. I spent 12 years in the Aransas County Independent School District giving all I had to get to college. I put in long hours for projects, spent more time at school than at home, lead organizations at every capacity, befriend teachers, found my best friends, worked a part time job, skipped dinners for dance rehearsals, spent most of Sunday at FPC Rockport….
You get the idea. I did a lot in 18 years so that four years could be great. And so far three of them have been. I have loved college. Maybe not every part but I am pretty sure I would recommend it to a friend. I learned a lot. More about myself and people than I did for college courses. I’ve struggled with a few things. But I’ve made/am making it through those things. I put so much energy into making this time mean something. And now that it is coming to a close I realized I did it again.
I have spent the last three years taking courses every single semester (summers included), I’ve pulled all nighters, I’ve lead organizations that have lead me to new passions, I have befriend upper and lower classmen, I find myself often hanging out with adults and no one seems to question it, I spend more time babysitting than downtown, I turned an internship into a part time job (sometimes over time), I’m invested in community at UPC Austin… the list continues. I have done all the things that bring me joy but also help carve out my future. I have been fully invested in what comes next and only partially invested in the what is going on now.
If you know me, none of this surprises you. My planner is my best pal. Knowing what comes next puts me at ease. Feel free to audibly gasp when you read, I don’t know what comes next. I have a few hopes and vague ideas but I am no longer working towards a concrete goal. This is not me. Well it is me, but this practice is not for me. I cringe having to tell people I am unsure of what the future holds. Three years ago I had a plan. About a year and a half ago God decided to change that plan and not give me all the details.
We have been arguing about this ever since. My argument is, in exactly a year from now I have to have an answer for people. Not one the explains the rest of my life but at least what the next year has in store. The response I keep getting is, “Applications are due in December.” *insert eye rolls* People are always kind when I tell them about programs I am considering applying too but I know they want more details. My grandma wants more to tell her bridge friends, my boss wants to know if I will be begging for a full time job, the women at my church want to let me know if the next city I move to has a relative of theirs, my friends want to know if I’ll still be inviting them to every Facebook event possible for us to go to, and my poor parents are trying to be supportive but I know they are tired of being financially responsible for me. I just want to add another thing to my countdown app.
If you are wiser than I am you have it figured out. This time of not knowing is God’s way of saying enjoy the now. Be present. Be still. However, I feel like it has me doing double over time. Trying to list out all the things I can do that will get me into grad school, a mission program, and allow me to take a social networking job in Europe. Turns out that list of things isn’t ideal.
So I am here. Sitting on another couch babysitting, saving money for some expense I’m not even sure will come up. Worrying over applications I may not submit. Planning out coffee dates for advice I may not need. In a state of preparing for what comes next, like it could be the end of the world. If you ask me what my post grad plans are, there is a good chance I will just send you this post and say, “pray for me.”
You get the idea. I did a lot in 18 years so that four years could be great. And so far three of them have been. I have loved college. Maybe not every part but I am pretty sure I would recommend it to a friend. I learned a lot. More about myself and people than I did for college courses. I’ve struggled with a few things. But I’ve made/am making it through those things. I put so much energy into making this time mean something. And now that it is coming to a close I realized I did it again.
I have spent the last three years taking courses every single semester (summers included), I’ve pulled all nighters, I’ve lead organizations that have lead me to new passions, I have befriend upper and lower classmen, I find myself often hanging out with adults and no one seems to question it, I spend more time babysitting than downtown, I turned an internship into a part time job (sometimes over time), I’m invested in community at UPC Austin… the list continues. I have done all the things that bring me joy but also help carve out my future. I have been fully invested in what comes next and only partially invested in the what is going on now.
If you know me, none of this surprises you. My planner is my best pal. Knowing what comes next puts me at ease. Feel free to audibly gasp when you read, I don’t know what comes next. I have a few hopes and vague ideas but I am no longer working towards a concrete goal. This is not me. Well it is me, but this practice is not for me. I cringe having to tell people I am unsure of what the future holds. Three years ago I had a plan. About a year and a half ago God decided to change that plan and not give me all the details.
We have been arguing about this ever since. My argument is, in exactly a year from now I have to have an answer for people. Not one the explains the rest of my life but at least what the next year has in store. The response I keep getting is, “Applications are due in December.” *insert eye rolls* People are always kind when I tell them about programs I am considering applying too but I know they want more details. My grandma wants more to tell her bridge friends, my boss wants to know if I will be begging for a full time job, the women at my church want to let me know if the next city I move to has a relative of theirs, my friends want to know if I’ll still be inviting them to every Facebook event possible for us to go to, and my poor parents are trying to be supportive but I know they are tired of being financially responsible for me. I just want to add another thing to my countdown app.
If you are wiser than I am you have it figured out. This time of not knowing is God’s way of saying enjoy the now. Be present. Be still. However, I feel like it has me doing double over time. Trying to list out all the things I can do that will get me into grad school, a mission program, and allow me to take a social networking job in Europe. Turns out that list of things isn’t ideal.
So I am here. Sitting on another couch babysitting, saving money for some expense I’m not even sure will come up. Worrying over applications I may not submit. Planning out coffee dates for advice I may not need. In a state of preparing for what comes next, like it could be the end of the world. If you ask me what my post grad plans are, there is a good chance I will just send you this post and say, “pray for me.”
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