I am here to tell you it is okay to cry into your mac and cheese at Panera because the world is broken.
Today I have cried three times. I cried at 3am reading my
to-do list, feeling overwhelmed by life. Those tears ended and I found myself
sleeping off the worry. I cried during lunch watching this video. Normally I
have my hesitations about Alexa but this video got me. I started with the
title, but the tears came when she spoke about her grandmother. I still am on
the fence about Alexa but my heart aches with her at the loss of a grandparent.
It is 7:43pm and I just got finished crying in Panera. I am
waiting for a child I stay with to get out of cheer practice. I thought I would
camp out at a table, have some tea, and eat way too many carbs while studying
for finals. I found myself reading through the hashtags on twitter. I became
paralyzed with sadness as I read more details about the California mass
shooting today. I read more about how this was the 352nd mass
shooting this year. I read as people tried to point the blame. I read as
Parliament decided bombing Syria was the right choice. I read. I cried.
In my hope to escape the horrors of the world, I began
reading my favorite blogs. As I made my way through Hannah’s, I realized my heart
was breaking for a reason. I understood that as much as I despised the pain in
my chest and the salty tears on my face, God had called me to read these words.
He had asked me to show my compassion, to make my opinions, to have a say in
what was happening. Our heavenly father has been breaking me down. He has been
asking me to see the brokenness in the world. He is showing me my path.
This year I have learned a lot. I have learned that our
world is in pain. It is shattered and it is in need of healing. Our world is in
need of compassion, grace, and willingness. I have learned that I am inadequate
but I am also enough. I am the person that cries obnoxiously in public spaces.
I am also the person who understands my words will not change the world, but
they can be a start. I am the person bold enough to say that prayer is the only
solution I know for sure cannot be wrong.
So yes, tonight I made people uncomfortable with my tears as
I wept into my mac and cheese, but I also hope that I can help find the light
in our dark world.
Tonight I do not care who you are, what you believe in, what
you know to be true, or what in this world scares you. Tonight I encourage you
to find joy in our dark world, or better yet be the joy. Even if you have to
shed some tears to get there, you can do it. I promise. The Lord does not call
the qualified, He qualifies the called.
